i am stupid. i am so utterly stupidly stupid i can’t believe it.
i am glad i haven’t finished my PhD, or have it ready for submission, because if i had missed what i almost missed i would deserve to fucking fail it.
sometimes being a little bit smart is dangerous because you stop doing things that a normal person would do as it is sometimes easier to think yourself out of problems. however, being a scholar is not determined by how much you can think.
i am stupid, and feeling a little bit sick, and probably need a cry, but i am not sleeping until i have written enough to punish myself for being this stupid, because i can write my stupidity out, and go to fucking war against it, and get sinister with myself and my stupid little peanut brain. i really feel sick.
real stupidity jumps you like being on public transport only to suffer someone else’s surprise sneeze, it is an accident, and renders visible the contingencies of intellect. this is a bitter feeling.
(however, i am a little relieved i found what i did now, and not later, because later would’ve been beyond stupid into the terrain of something else truly scary.)
no 3:27 happy dances this morning, only coffee and war. and maybe a little charismatic insanity, but that would be sad (or the music).
EDIT: OK, so that reads like the blog post equivalent of an Imogen Heap song. It’s all good.
EDIT: 84,000 words.