holiday in the sun

i am stupid. i am so utterly stupidly stupid i can’t believe it.

i am glad i haven’t finished my PhD, or have it ready for submission, because if i had missed what i almost missed i would deserve to fucking fail it.

sometimes being a little bit smart is dangerous because you stop doing things that a normal person would do as it is sometimes easier to think yourself out of problems. however, being a scholar is not determined by how much you can think.

i am stupid, and feeling a little bit sick, and probably need a cry, but i am not sleeping until i have written enough to punish myself for being this stupid, because i can write my stupidity out, and go to fucking war against it, and get sinister with myself and my stupid little peanut brain. i really feel sick.

real stupidity jumps you like being on public transport only to suffer someone else’s surprise sneeze, it is an accident, and renders visible the contingencies of intellect. this is a bitter feeling.

(however, i am a little relieved i found what i did now, and not later, because later would’ve been beyond stupid into the terrain of something else truly scary.)

no 3:27 happy dances this morning, only coffee and war. and maybe a little charismatic insanity, but that would be sad (or the music).

EDIT: OK, so that reads like the blog post equivalent of an Imogen Heap song. It’s all good.

EDIT: 84,000 words.

6 replies on “holiday in the sun”

  1. So, you’re not going to reveal the details of your stupidity?

    glen, everyone’s stupid about something, about a lot of things, actually.

  2. no way!

    this one is off the scale regarding certain ideas i have discussed on here before. it is one of those scenarios where a certain essay is in a book that I have owned since i began this thing, so maybe i have read it already and just forgot I read it, and internalised the argument because my points are highly congruent in a good way (like i take it further) than the essay. it is just stupid that i didn’t remember it or perhaps even realise that i had the essay to begin with!!!!!!!

    seriously some of the arguments are exactly the same as mine but i have developed them through this highly complex thing going on with deleuze, foucault and massumi. in this essay the guy just says it. it is going to look like i planned the whole thing once it is written up, because our arguments are that compatible, rather than it being a question of missing such a massive reference or series of references cause i am crap. that is what i mean by thinking around a problem rather than simply going to a library or even just googling the shit.

    nothing to do with D&G or any of that stuff, I am a good scholar when it comes to that. just not the other cult stud stuff, lol it’ll be obvious once my diss is finished for those who have read this post. there will be only one body of work that is so congruent with my arguments. in fact, i may have found another marker!

  3. nah, i’ll tell you one day in like 20 years, jean.

    that or when i am singing kareoke at next csaa conference, lol

    i am over it anyway. I was more scared than sad. Scared that i could miss this totally obvious reference to a key concept in my diss, and a little bit happy that I found it in time.

    plus i’ve been having a weird flirty exchange of txts and including blog/myspace addresses (!!!) with a delightful young lady i met the other week. 🙂 that has cheered me up.

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